Top 10 Tips for Building Your Ceremony

We at Tapestry Event Co. have a lot of feelings about your ceremony. While some couples consider the ceremony a formality in the wedding event to “make it legal”, that’s just not the way we jive. We consider your ceremony the centerpiece of your launch to marriage; your opportunity to align the loved ones witnessing these words on how you are building your family culture, enabling them to connect with and support you in the years to come. If we were to sum up the way our Tapestry tribe describes their perfect ceremony, it’s intentional, humorous, perspective-lending, and heartfelt. In an effort to bring that vision to life, some couples hire professionals while others bring friends or family members into the fold. Whatever your path, we want to provide you with our top ten ceremony building tips so that both the couple and officiant feel confident about their creation.

FOR THE COUPLE:

1. Decide your “who”.

Yes, it’s a great idea to hire a professional. Yes, it’s a great idea to call upon any spiritual leaders in your life. Yes, it’s a great idea to ask a loved one to deliver your ceremony. Yes, yes, yes. If you feel called to a particular person or influence, start there.

2. If you want to hire a professional officiant…

…make sure you sit down with your partner and co-create a list of attributes that you’re looking for in a professional officiant so you’re on the same page during your interviews. You can expect that they will bring structure to your ceremony conversations, including a clear process and a written and oral ceremony.

3. If you feel called to bring a spiritual leader in to guide your ceremony…

…start a conversation with your partner to ensure you are in agreement on the ideas and influences you want to be present in your ceremony. You can expect that they will bring gravity and tradition to your marriage ritual as well as counseling support in your ramp up to marriage.

4. If you prefer to invite a loved one to lead the ceremony…

…connect with your partner about who you’re considering and why. How will this person offer a lens through which others can receive your ceremony? What is their unique offering? Will they be comfortable with the speaking aspect of a ceremony? When you’ve answered those questions, invite that person into your process and be open to their honest reply. If there is anything they need to be set up for success, listen and support them.

5. Do your research.

Have you attended a wedding before? What did you enjoy? What did you not find particularly engaging? Looking at real-life examples can help you parse out what does and does not work for your ceremony, which becomes valuable feedback you can deliver to your officiant to help them tailor your ceremony. Are all the ceremonies of days gone by blending together? Then harness the power of the internet to find examples and templates and jot down feedback on those new and varied ideas. Make your wants and expectations explicit with whomever you choose to officiate. #TruthIsKindness

FOR THE OFFICIANT:

1. Lead with a ceremony creation structure.

If you are a professional or spiritual leader, chances are you have a structure behind your ceremony building process. Make that structure clear from the start and offer progress updates often. If you are a loved one agreeing to create a ceremony with your couple, you may not have a structure built for this process. So let’s create one! The most successful structures we’ve seen include a questionnaire and getting to know you phase, a rough draft and revisions phase, and a final details phase. 

2. Start with questionnaires and quality time.

Consider this your information gathering opportunity. Any questionnaire you create should have a mix of questions that get to know the couple from lots of angles. For example: Why do you choose marriage? What is a story that describes your relationship? What do you admire most about your partner? How do you want to remember your ceremony? These questions help you get to know the couple as a couple, regardless of your prior relationship to them. Your questionnaire should also cover key logistical notes like: Do you want to include any kind of ceremony or ritual or reading? Should I mention (or not mention) anyone in the ceremony? Do you need help registering for a marriage license? Send this questionnaire early on and encourage the couple to set aside quality time to complete it, with a clear due date included in your request. We love pairing this paperwork with in person (or virtual!) coffee dates or walks around the park to spend quality time with the couple focused on their ceremony and the journey to their wedding day.

3. Create a messy rough draft.

Yes, we say “messy” because it’s okay for a rough draft to be… rough! As you create your first draft, consider the information and feedback the couple has given you about what they like, want, and value. If this is your first time, spend a bit of time on the internet perusing different ceremony outlines (our favorite resources to get you started are from The Knot, The Spruce, and Wedding Chicks). If you are a loved one performing the ceremony, it is very reasonable to ask the couple to do their own research and provide templates or outlines that they like, too. Creating a theme for the ceremony, such as “adventure buddies” or “finding strength in adverse times together”, might nudge your writing process along if you get stuck.

Photos courtesy of Chelsea Abril Photography.

4. Spend time refining together.

While it’s easy to send email exchanges or edit a draft on the cloud, there is nothing as deep and valuable as the conversations that come from live feedback. Our recommendation is to send the messy rough draft to the couple and schedule a time for interactive feedback about one week later. We find that couples open up even further about their values, their why, and impactful word choice when feedback is delivered in person. That not only creates ownership for the couple over their ceremony, but entrenches you as the officiant in their worldview, allowing you to deliver a more authentic ceremony experience for all. 

5. Don’t forget the logistical details!

We know, these things aren’t sexy, but they make the ceremony work. So true to our planner nature, we put together a logistical checklist for you to follow.

• Make sure you are ordained and that your ordination is recognized in the state and county in which you will be performing the marriage (we were ordained online through Universal Life Church). 

• Practice saying the ceremony out loud so you can build your confidence, practice; practice volume, tone, tempo, and eye contact; and provide an accurate estimate of time to the wedding coordinator. 

• Ask your couple if they expect you to lead the rehearsal, whether they will be reciting vows, and if they have a wardrobe preference for you. 

• Remind your couple to pack their license and vows and establish a time for hand-off and signing in advance of the rehearsal. 

• Connect with the coordinator about rehearsal and wedding day logistics. 

• Avoid drinking alcohol or dwelling on your script the morning of the ceremony. Instead, take a deep breath, and connect to those around you.

When all is said and done, enjoy the party! And remember to return the signed marriage license to the appropriate county the next day.

— Kate, Creative Director of Tapestry Event Co.