Wedding Planning + Boundary Setting

Let’s talk about the four healthiest boundaries you can draw and maintain during your wedding planning experience. We want to give you some tools, peace of mind, and healthier relationships now and into the future!

This blog has the added bonus of downloadable reminders you can send to your phone. Why? Because boundaries take practice and we want you to have these in the palm of your hand when boundary conversations inevitably rise. Download and use these resources as early and often as you like in your wedding planning process.

Download these slides for your next conversation!

FINANCIAL EXPECTATIONS

Wedding planning is a one-of-a-kind opportunity to practice financial management with your partner. Wedding budgeting is its own container where you can set a goal and track progress together. It requires regular accountability, clear communication, and flexibility; all skills that benefit the health of a relationship!

But what happens when a third party — like parents or other well-intentioned financial contributors — try and enter that container unasked? We can tell you from experience that it can create relationship friction, miscommunication, and stress. How do you prevent or mediate those outcomes? Lead a conversation with third parties about their financial participation in your event. Here are three easy steps to follow:

Get clear about the offer – What is this third party wanting to contribute to your event or experience? How do they see themselves going about it?
Externalize expectations – Do you have to spend the money a certain way, or on certain things, if you accept the funds? How much participation do they expect to have in the process? What do they expect from you in return?
Accept or reject the offer – If the offer and expectations are acceptable to you, then you can feel good accepting the financial support. If it isn’t a fit, kindly turn down the offer and retain your autonomy over your values and your experience. Whatever the outcome, show gratitude for their interest in your experience.

INCLUSION POLICY

The events of 2020 and beyond made many of us aware of the diverse needs folks have when attending an event. Some people need information to help them travel successfully. Some people need information to navigate their health accommodations confidently. And some people need a little extra nudge to understand how they can set themselves up to joyfully participate in an event.

More and more, we have couples writing an Inclusion Policy on their wedding website to help their guests understand what to expect at, and how to support, their celebration. Here are the things to consider in writing that policy so that guests can respect your wishes:

Explain what is welcome and encouraged at your event – What do you hope to share with your guests, physically or emotionally?
Explain what is prohibited from your event – Alcohol or other substances? Racism, misogyny, homophobia, ableism, etc.? Political discourse? Health requirements or considerations? Rude or offensive language?
State that anyone who does not feel they can uphold these celebration expectations are welcome to toast to your marriage privately at another time and venue.

PARTY EXPECTATIONS

For many, the roles and expectations of certain wedding party members feels proscriptive. We assume that X role is in charge of Y tasks, yes? Well, that old formula is not doing anyone any favors. Wedding parties take a lot of varied shapes and sizes. Leaving expectations undefined for anyone involved in your wedding only sets y’all up to be on different pages, doesn’t make anyone feel seen or successful, and leads you to navigate a more confusing and awkward conversation to patch things up later (or not…yikes!). Let’s talk about what makes a successful invitation to participate in a special way in your wedding festivities!

Invite your person to take on a special role – Whether they’ve been waiting for this invite since you were children, or if it’s a pleasant surprise, make sure you frame your invitation as an ask rather than an assumed “Yes”.
Define what that role means to you – Let’s not lean on tradition and settle for vague titles. Be clear about what this role means in the pre-event, day-of, and post-event stages of your wedding journey.
Describe what experiences and actions you want to share with them – Do you want a bridesmaid to be in charge of something? Do you have a vision in mind, or do you want them to carry the experience? The more explicit you can be, the better!
Give them time to accept or turn down the invitation – For an ask to truly be an ask, it requires the other person to freely answer. If they don’t have an answer right away, that’s okay. Give them space to let them decide.

OUTSIDE INPUT

Say the word “wedding” and the thing you’ll encounter the most is OPINIONS. Everyone has an opinion about that wedding they attended, a story to share from their own wedding, or a feature-length film drama about that time they were in that wedding party. Opinions will fly when you start to plan a wedding and, quite frankly, they can be both uninvited and unwelcome. But unless you’re super clear about when you’re registering opinions (and not), it can be hard for other folks to turn off the faucet around you. How do you handle that? Here are our top three tips:

Select the people whose opinions matter and clarify what is important to them – Think about this like trying on advice. What do they think is beautiful? What kind of cool experiences can they share? What would they heartily recommend you avoid?
Do not commit to anyone else’s advice, values, or input – Listen with compassion for their experience and gratitude that they took the time to share.
Match advice up against your values – Take what other people give you and decide what parts, if any, apply to your circumstances and will benefit the experience you want to have with your partner.

Let’s be real — boundary setting can be pretty intimidating. But it’s totally worth the tough (and maybe awkward) conversations to ensure everyone is on the same page and expectations align leading into the big day. You and your guests want to feel heard, understood, and confident in what’s expected, so create some space early on in the wedding planning process to work through those kinks together. In the end, planning a wedding can be an amazing opportunity for couples to learn and exercise important skills that’ll be used throughout the relationship. So follow these boundary setting tips and you’ll be well on your way to creating a wedding that truly reflects you and your values!